The Awkward Girl

I put another ad on CL as soon as I got home from work tonight (technically yesterday now, Thursday).

A few spam replies in the first twenty minutes. Then two real replies with photos I wasn't attracted to. Then another spammer, and then a response from... let's call her Bailey.

Bailey is 28, and I loved her photo. Maybe there wasn't the instant holy shit I felt when I saw Seana's picture, but certainly close enough. She's a cutie. Dark brown hair. Huge brown eyes. Kind of a big goofy smile that works well for her. I sent her my pic in response, and she wrote back right away with her phone number.

I called. We talked. She sounded quite a bit more nervous than even I must have when I first talked to Seana.

Actually what she sounded was unsure. She said it was her first time. She said she was almost certain she wanted to do this.

I clarified that I probably wasn't looking for a relationship (that's going to change the instant Seana decides she's looking for one, if she's got her eyes on me at that point), and Bailey said that was fine, and that she probably wasn't either.

So, we agreed to meet up for dinner. She lives north of downtown. I took the train and met her at an Applebees.

Man, she's cute. Even cuter in person than in her picture. She has these huge glasses that are pretty far out of date, but they sort of go with her persona: adorably unsure of herself. She's probably three inches taller than me, but the way she carries herself, very awkward and halting, you think of her as smaller. She has this kind of lost kitten thing going on, and you want to give her a huge hug as soon as you see her. Which I did.

We got a booth (Bailey sat across from me, unlike Seana on Friday night) and our hostess brought us two menus and said a server would be right with us. For the moment we ignored the menus. Bailey had her hands resting on the table, and was drumming her fingertips on the surface, looking down.

"How do you feel about this?" I said.

She looked up and blushed a little. "Oh, I'm sorry. I hope I don't seem weird or--distant or anything. People think I am, but it's just shyness. I can never seem to help it."

"It's okay," I said.

"Thanks."

"So how do you feel?"

She hesitated. "I know I've always wanted this. I know I want to... be able to do it. I think I will be able to. I mean, I'm almost sure."

"But not totally sure?"

She looked down at her hands. "Not totally. I don't know." She looked back up at me, wincing a little. "I'm not trying to sound like an idiot. When I'm unsure of things, I just say everything I'm thinking. I'm sorry."

I smiled and tried to put her at ease. "Don't be sorry. We'll just take it in steps, and if there's any point when you decide you're not up for it, we'll call it a night. Even five minutes from now. Okay?"

She nodded. I could see her cheeks flushing red. I was pretty sure, at that point, that she wasn't going to go through with it. All I could think of was how grateful I was that Friday night happened the way it did.

"I guess we should figure out what we're ordering," Bailey said.

Twenty minutes later--during which we'd talked about every random thing except having sex with each other--and five minutes after the food had arrived, the moment came.

"Okay, I don't think I can do it," she said. She winced again, her eyes all apology. "I'm sorry. You came all the way up here, and I'm sure you wanted this, I'm really sorry. I just can't get there yet."

"It's fine," I said. It was fine--sort of. Obviously I was pretty disappointed. I liked her. I wanted her.

"I'm sorry," she said again. She was already getting up. Her plate still mostly full. She left a twenty on the table, gave me the apology wince again, and then she was gone. I got a decent look at her ass as she was walking away. I really shouldn't have looked--it only made me think of what it would've felt like gripped in my hands while I ate her.

Fuck.

The moment left me a little numb. When your hopes are way up, you start measuring time in smaller pieces. Like, I'd been sitting there thinking, "If she's up for it, we're probably half an hour from being at her place, maybe just starting to make out." You're on that scale, and all the sudden the thing that you were focused on is gone, and you're half an hour from... not doing a whole hell of a lot. Being on the train home.

Ah, at least I'd sort of seen it coming. It wasn't a total shock. I kept eating my mashed potatoes and roast chicken. I'd been starved before it arrived, and it was delicious. It gave me something to try to feel good about, anyway.

Ten minutes later, when I was just signing the credit card slip, my phone rang. Bailey. I answered.

"Are you still at the place?" she said.

"Yes."

"Do you still want to do this?"

"Definitely."

"I'm a block away, on my way back."

My heart was beating a little faster. This I had not seen coming. "Excellent," I said.

"Um... I'm not sure how much I want to do. Or what, exactly."

"Okay."

"Well... I sort of do know... it's just weird to say it. I don't know how you'll feel."

"I promise you, you can say exactly what it is, and if I'm not interested, I'll just say so."

"Mmmm..." She didn't sound like she believed me.

"Pretend it's a scene in a movie," I said. "And you're the director. Tell me in the most blunt terms possible... what exactly do you want to have happen, when we get back to your place?"

A heard a breath on the phone as she laughed at my phrasing.

"I don't know," she said again.

I put on my best mock-pissed voice. "Bailey, if what you're interested in is being spanked, you're already making me want to do that."

This time she laughed out loud. Nervous as hell, but still a laugh. It was the first one I'd heard from her.

"Come on, Bailey, sketch out the scene. Blunt terms. Dirty terms are even better."

There was another long pause. Maybe five seconds. I could hear her footsteps on the sidewalk, and the grumble of traffic.

Then she exhaled deeply, took another breath and said, "I want you to get naked, sit on my couch, and let me kneel in front of you and eat your pussy. And then I'll probably want you to leave. Is that okay?"

I laughed. "It's a hell of a lot more okay than what I was looking forward to sixty seconds ago."

She breathed another laugh. "I'm almost there now."

"I'll meet you at the door."

Six minutes later we were shutting her entry door behind us and kicking off our shoes. Everything was still awkward as hell, though we'd talked a lot more openly on the walk from the restaurant. I'd told her about Friday night. She'd asked me a lot of detailed questions, and looked a little unnerved by the answers.

Now, inside her place, we just stood there inside her door for a second. I was pretty sure she didn't want me to kiss her.

"So..." I said. "Do we just... get right into it?"

She made a face a kid might have made standing on the high-dive board in front of a hundred people. Then she said, "Yeah. Definitely."

She nodded for me to follow her into the living room. Her place was very neat. Very normal. A little sparse.

"I can turn away while you're... undressing," she said.

I laughed. "Are you planning to have your eyes closed when the tip of your tongue is in my vagina?"

"Jesus," she said, and went quite a few shades redder than she had at any time in the restaurant.

"You can undress me yourself, if you'd like," I said.

She bit her lip. "You're sure?"

"I'm pretty much certain."

She took a nervous breath. "Okay."

She stepped closer. Tapped her teeth together a few times. Then she undid my shirt buttons carefully, and when they were all undone, she slipped it off my shoulders and set it on the couch. She reached behind me for my bra clasp. The move put her face close to mine. I saw her eyes in better detail than before. Such a beautiful girl. I wondered if she was this anxious around men. I doubted it. She finished with the bra and set it on my shirt.

She hesitated before reaching for the button of my jeans. Now or never, she seemed to be thinking.

Then she knelt in front of me, unbuttoned and unzipped them, and slid them down with my underwear. Just like that, her face was five inches away from my pussy.

She stared. Caught her breath. When she started breathing again, it was at an accelerated pace.

"Want me to sit down?" I said softly.

She nodded, just noticeably.

I was already standing in front of the couch. I eased down onto it, with my ass much further out at the edge than I'd have normally sat. Then I parted my legs and leaned way back into the couch. The lean served to tilt my pussy upward for her.

I was wet already. I think her tension translated into some fairly serious arousal on my part. I loved being the focus of feelings this intense.

She rested her hands on my thighs. Sank into a lower kneel. Leaned forward until her mouth was almost touching my cleft.

She closed her eyes for a second and inhaled. And smiled deeply. I knew the feeling--I'd done the same thing with Seana.

And then she stepped off the high-dive. She sank her mouth into my pussy. I felt her tongue slip deep between my inner lips. Felt myself getting wetter by the second, in response.

I watched her expression as she ate me. Sometimes her eyes were open, staring at the traces of stubble on my mound, but most of the time she just had her eyes closed... with a look of absolute relaxation on her face. Finally.

She looked like she loved it. She did it like she loved it, too. It felt amazing. After a few minutes she turned her attention mostly to my clit. I felt my orgasm on its way.

I wasn't sure what amount of contact she wanted from me. I took the chance and let my hands rest on top of hers, where she was gently holding my thighs apart. She responded, interlacing her fingers with mine. It turned me on a little more... and that was about all I needed, at that point.

I whispered her name, and then I sucked in a deep breath and came almost as hard as I had for Seana the first time. Hips bucking involuntarily on the couch. Bailey trying to hold on. I kept crying out and telling her not to stop--right up to the moment when the sensation got painful against my clit, and I laughed and reached down and softly pushed her away.

"Sorry," she said.

I managed a tired laugh. "Do not apologize..."

She carefully planted a kiss on my folds, below my clit, and I felt her tongue go in for a taste of my juices. Not sure if she sopped much of them up or decided to swallow; I was pretty much out of it for the next minute, eyes closed, upper body sunk into the couch.

When I recovered enough to open my eyes, she was still kneeling there between my legs, looking very satisfied with herself.

"How'd you like it?" I said.

She sighed. "Even more than I hoped I would."

"You're still sure you don't want me to return the favor?"

She made a trace of the wince from the restaurant. "I don't think I'm ready for that yet. I know it's weird. I'm just not. Sorry..."

I laughed a little. "It's okay. Really. Nothing to explain."

She just shrugged, like she wished she could, anyway.

And that was that. I got dressed, and a few minutes later I was on the train heading back. I called Seana (we've talked on the phone a few times this week) and gave her the fun details. She got a kick out of it. Said she'd had the same thing happen to her a couple times.

She talked to me for the whole train ride. A really nice conversation. I wanted very badly to ask if I could come to her place, or if she could come to mine, but I didn't want to push it. I don't want to be clingy. I'll let her set the pace with us, assuming--hoping like crazy--there's going to be one.

I said goodbye to her as I left the platform and headed alone for my building, and after we ended the call I kissed my phone and put it away.

Good Judgment

I keep reminding myself that Friday night went about as perfectly as a night like that could go. ...And that I got pretty lucky, and that I need to remember to be careful.

For what it's worth, Seana gave me a nice, concerned spiel about this very thing, in bed Saturday morning--right after giving me my second near-coma-inducing orgasm since meeting her. The point was pretty basic: use common sense, use good judgment. Meeting people on CL may be a pretty normal thing these days, but it's still the wild wild web, and you need to be careful. She said I should stick to girls that are single--someone already in a relationship (with either a man or a woman) is just too risky. Shit happens. Someone can be sure that their significant other won't be home that night, won't be back from their trip, etc., and they can just be totally fucking wrong, and you can end up in a lot of trouble. Go ahead and assume that if a man caught you with his wife, it would be just as bad as if he caught another man with her. Don't think for a second that he'd feel differently just because you're a woman. The cliche is that he'd be turned on by it. Right, okay. The reality is that people freak the hell out when they get their emotions stepped on, and men are pretty much wired to react violently in a situation like that. And a female significant other could be the very same way. So don't risk it. Besides, it's helping someone cheat, and it's slimy.

Always ask for a picture online. Always voice verify. Always meet in public first, somewhere crowded. Get a sense of the person. If you get a bad vibe, even a weird vibe, then back out.

I think I would've more or less followed those guidelines on my own, but I was glad she told me, anyway. And to have her concerned about me was great. I really, really like her. I like-her-like-her, as kids used to say in my school.

But yeah, we're not exclusive, and she explicitly told me I should meet other girls, so I'm definitely going to. I meant to put another ad up Sunday or Monday night, but I've been swamped with stuff. I have one of those jobs that comes home with you and fills up as much of your time as you allow it to. Really soon, though. Definitely this week.

Seana

Why... in the name of all that is holy... did I wait until now to have nights like last night?

I'm going to try to get every detail of it down. I know I'll fall short. And I'll fall way short of capturing the actual feeling of last night, but I'll do my best.

After finishing up last night's entry and getting offline--first taking down the CL post--I put on my coat and my pink mittens and grabbed my purse and actually ran for the elevator (I live on the fifth floor).

The coffee shop was between her place and mine. Three blocks away from me. I walked really fast, probably enough to draw attention. Late Friday evening, and cold enough to see my breath. Big snowflakes coming down, making cones under the streetlights.

She was standing outside the front door when I got there. I could tell from halfway down the block that it was her, and I'm sure she saw me at least that far off. I picked up my pace the last hundred feet. My heart was slamming against my ribs. I bit my lower lip and smiled.

"Seana?"

She gave me a hug and said, "Anxious much?"

We laughed. We went in and looked for a booth. I remember thinking, right then, following her through the crowd, that it might still not happen. That she might not be interested after we'd talked, and that after half an hour I'd be walking back to my place alone, to write a new CL post.

We got to a booth. I took my coat off and was about to set it down on my side before sliding in. Instead she asked me to hand it to her, and then she put both of our coats on one side and slid in right next to me. Her hip against mine. She looked at me, her face about three inches from my own.

I stopped worrying that it wasn't going to happen.

For whatever reason, my teeth weren't chattering by that point. They'd stopped sometime during the walk there, even in the cold. But obviously everything else about me gave away the nerves.

"You weren't kidding in your post," she said. "This really is your first time."

"Uh huh." I think I breathed it more than spoke it.

I was just staring at her. Her eyes, a dark green that bordered on black. Her hair, a little lighter than mine, just touching her shoulders. She had this little birthmark on her neck, right at the margin of her collar. I don't think I've ever wanted to kiss something more than I wanted to kiss that thing, at that moment.

"How about you?" I asked. I was pretty sure it wasn't her first time.

"I've done it quite a bit," she said. "A few relationships. No commitments right now. Just sort of... having fun. Does it bother you that I've been with lots of girls?"

I shook my head.

I told her I'd had boyfriends. Asked her if that bothered her. It didn't. We talked about random things for a few minutes. What I did for a living. What she was studying. Where we were from. The place was loud, and when she talked she'd lean against me and cup her mouth to my ear. I felt her breath on my skin. Felt her lips actually brushing my ear.

I realized I wasn't doing the same when I spoke to her. Like it hadn't occurred to me that I could. The twine leash again. I put my mouth to her ear and let my lips graze it and said, "So we're actually doing this?"

"If you're up for it," she said, "we're definitely doing it."

I smiled. "Then we're definitely doing it."

"Do you even feel like ordering?" she said.

I laughed, surprising myself. "I don't think I'd make it through the wait," I said.

"Then let's go to my place."

She stood. Grabbed our coats and handed me mine. We slipped them on and she took my hand and I followed her through the crowd again.

Her place was two blocks away. A forty-story condo building. We squeezed together into the same quadrant of the revolving door into the lobby. She didn't seem to care if anyone there saw her holding hands with another girl. In the elevator she hit the button for the 35th floor. The doors closed. We were alone.

She looked at me and laughed a little. "I won't tell you to relax," she said, "because the nervousness is freaking adorable."

She was holding both of my hands now. I leaned in, let go of her hands and just hugged her as tight as I could. She hugged me back. I hoped no one else got on the elevator. It wasn't that I cared what they'd think or not think--I just didn't want anything to interrupt the moment.

I thought of how, less than half an hour ago, she'd been a number in parentheses on my taskbar. Thirty seconds earlier she hadn't even been that. She'd been someone I didn't know existed. Maybe the 21st century looked a lot like the 20th at a glance, but there were differences. There were great big, awesome differences.

I just held onto her and shut my eyes and breathed in the smell of her hair. Some Herbal Essences flavor. Strawberry, maybe. Then I felt a second of lightness, and the doors slid open.

"Here we are," she said.

Her place was on the southern stretch of the level. We went inside, and she left all the lights off. We kicked off our shoes, and she took my coat and draped it with hers on a chair.

"I want to show you the view," she said.

She led me across the darkened entryway, past the kitchen, and to the living room. With the apartment dark, the only light came from the city beyond the floor-to-ceiling windows. It was beautiful. The whole skyline, looking south at it from the northern edge of the downtown, was curtained in the falling snow. I turned to her and saw it all reflected in her eyes. In that moment she looked a little anxious, herself. Vulnerable, at least.

We kissed.

No way can I put in writing what it was like, kissing her. Just way, way softer and warmer than anything with a guy. I finally understood where all the cliches about great kisses come from. All the lines about tongues melting together, and instant lightheadedness. I felt her small hands pushing my hair away from my face. I ran my hands through hers, too. I don't know how long we stood there like that. Had to have been a few minutes, hardly coming up for air. I felt dizzy. She noticed. She pulled away--no more than an inch or two--and took a deep breath, her eyes never leaving mine.

"Come on," she whispered, and took my hand.

She led me out of the living room into a short hall, and into her bedroom. Same wall of windows. Same southern exposure. Same soft, snowfall-shifting city light filling the room.

The bed was queen-sized. Two big pillows, and a thick comforter on top of dark sheets, all of it a little disheveled. She smoothed it out and motioned for me to lie down, and a few seconds later we were kissing again, her body on mine, its weight feeling wonderful and exactly right. It was okay to feel dizzy, then. Okay to feel like one of the big snowflakes outside, tumbling and turning down into the darkness. Okay to let go of everything and just focus on kissing her.

Time pretty much went away as a concept. I really don't know how long we made out before doing anything else. It might have been an hour. Easily the best hour of my life up to that point, though it was about to get demoted a few places. Such an amazing thing, though, just the kissing. When she was on top, her hair would hang around my face like soft, scented drapes. Never dated a guy with long hair before, and even if a guy had long hair, it wouldn't do what Seana's did. It just wouldn't. And it wouldn't smell like strawberry, either. The times I was on top were wonderful, too. Her body under mine, delicate and tender. That was something else I'd never experienced. Simply the feeling of having someone under you who could be completely defenseless, trusting. There were a few points when I thought I could almost cry, I was just that overwhelmed and that happy, especially when I kissed her neck, and that little birthmark I'd been craving in the coffee shop. I managed to hold myself together, though.

And then clothes started coming off.

Man oh man, that was a nice little moment. I'd gotten so absorbed in the kissing I hadn't really been thinking about where it was going. Then her big toe found the band of one of my socks, got under it, and slid the sock down my calf and off my foot. Then she did the other. By which time I was thinking, oh yeah, there's quite a bit more to this, isn't there.

I was on top at that point. I raised my face a couple inches above hers, met her eyes and smiled.

I took her socks off with my toes. Bare feet against bare feet, tiny and smooth. We kissed again. Soft minutes passed.

Then she rolled us over so that she was on top, and with her knees on both sides of me, pushed herself up into a kneeling position. She pulled her shirt over her head and tossed it on the floor. She took hold of mine and pulled it up, too. I sat up to make it easier, and then it was gone, and we were facing each other, and she reached behind me for my bra clasp, and I reached for hers. Both were on the floor in no time.

I just stared at her breasts. Perfect, perky little B-cups like mine. I thought of the locker room in high school, how I had to be sure to never stare. Now I was more than welcome to. I touched one of them. Traced my fingers around the nipple. She leaned back, supporting herself on her arms. I leaned forward and took her left nipple into my mouth. She sighed. I kissed it, sucked it, rolled it around with my tongue. I did it for minutes. I didn't want to stop. Then I switched to the other one and did the same.

When I finally did stop, she contorted a little and got her legs straightened out, so that she was just sitting instead of kneeling. We were seated facing each other now, inches apart, naked from the waist up. We kissed again. Hands tracing up and down each other's backs. Sometimes we'd stop and just hug each other really tight. When we did that, our tits would mash together. That felt really good. At one point we just stayed like that for a couple minutes, feeling each other breathe.

Then I shivered a little.

"I'm kind of cold, too," she said. "Wanna get under the covers?"

"Yeah."

"Wanna get naked first?"

"Oh yeah."

She smiled. Reached down and unbuttoned and unzipped my jeans. I scooted back to give her room, and she slid her fingertips inside the waistband, getting a hold of my panties, too. She pulled them down. I felt her knuckles slide over my ass. Then I lifted my legs and put them together so she could slide the jeans all the way up and off, and when I lowered my legs again, and spread them out around her, I was wearing nothing but what I'd been born in.

For a long moment she just looked at my pussy, biting her lip a little. That in itself was so erotic, just having her attention focused on me like that. My heart was hammering again. I thought I might have some kind of head rush and pass out. To fight it off I leaned forward and undid her jeans, too, and she leaned back and lifted her legs up like I had. I took hold of her jeans and panties, slid them past her ass, and up over her calves and feet. I tossed them onto the floor, and by the time I looked back at her, her legs were apart, the backs of her knees resting on my kneecaps.

I stared at her pussy.

Simply - could - not - look - away.

It was shaved, like mine.

It was absolutely the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen.

I just kept staring. I have no idea how much time went by. I know I didn't blink, and I know I was taking deep breaths trying to keep up with my heart. And I know at some point she giggled, then leaned forward and kissed me and whispered, "You'll get a closer look," and then she pushed me down onto my back, and shifted around and pulled the covers out from under where I was lying--I arched my back and then raised my legs to help.

A few seconds later we were snuggled together under the sheets and the heavy comforter, pulled up to our necks. We were lying on our sides, facing each other, our heads on one of the big pillows. We pulled tight against each other. All bare skin on skin. That felt so, so good. There's no way in the world to describe it that does it justice. It's just so - damn - much - better with a girl. Sorry guys. The way it felt pulling Seana against me, both of us just sliding our bodies around on each other's, soft and curved and smooth everywhere... none of my fantasies had even come close to what the real thing felt like.

We made out again for a long time. Alternating like before: her on top, me on top. We didn't quite grind our pussies together, but I could feel hers with my pelvis, and I know she could feel mine. We were both soaking wet.

Finally, one of the times when I was on top, I realized I wasn't going to make it another minute. I'd been physically aching to go down on a girl for literally millions and millions of minutes, and one more was suddenly too much to deal with. I broke off the kiss. Raised my face a few inches above hers. Stared into her eyes. Mine must have had the question in them, because hers had the answer. A slight widening. A tiny, outward arch of her eyebrows. A look full of vulnerability and longing. Fuck me eyes.

I slid below the covers.

I kissed and sucked on her right nipple for maybe ten seconds, and then the left for another ten. It was all the time I could afford. I just had to keep moving down. It wasn't even up to me, at that point.

I trailed a line of kisses down her stomach. Felt it rising and falling rapidly as she breathed. I came to her navel. I kissed it. Dipped the tip of my tongue into it.

I continued south. My hands were still up near her breasts, my fingertips gliding lightly over her skin there, down her ribs, her waist. I felt her body shaking a little. My mouth was five inches below her navel now. Trailing slow, wet kisses on her skin. A few inches later I came to the faint hint of stubble from her pubic hair.

I raised my face an inch. The space around me was very dark. Seana's legs made a little tent of the sheets and comforter, her knees about a foot off the bed, and her legs spread.

I eased another few inches south.

It was all real in so many ways I couldn't have imagined. The heat rolling up off of her. The scent. My face was in this perfect, humid little oven of space an inch above her pussy. I inhaled deeply. I was pretty sure I could get high on what I was breathing. Actually, I was pretty sure I already was.

I slid my hands beneath her ass cheeks and gripped them.

And then I sank my lips and tongue into her pussy.

She exhaled forcefully and arched her back.

I had never tasted or felt anything like it. Her folds and lips were sopping wet. Maybe juicy is a better word than wet. I'd tasted myself before, but there was a big difference between sucking on your own finger and having your mouth entirely buried in a girl's pussy. And she tasted different than I did, anyway. Her own unique, musky flavor. I've always liked mine, but I liked hers a lot more.

I tried to absorb every nuance of the moment. Everything that it was. My tongue sliding up and down between her inner lips, deep between them. Slipping partway into the opening of her vagina. Feeling it contract rhythmically as I did. Feeling the muscles in her ass tensing and relaxing in my hands. Sliding my lips and tongue side-to-side across her entire pussy, the whole lower half of my face getting coated with her juices. The tip of my nose brushing against the tender skin of her shaved mound.

Her hands came down into the little tent and found my arms. Her fingertips traced their way up to my shoulders. Ran through my hair. She was trying to be smooth about it, but her movements were very distracted--her concentration was on other things. I loved that. One more detail my fantasies could've never given me. I could hear her breathing harder and faster. Her hips were starting to buck up and down a little. By that time I was back to sliding my tongue deep between her inner lips. Every breath through my nose was saturated with her scent, thick and tangy. On one of my upward passes I kept going, and ran my tongue over her clitoris.

She made a sharp sound, halfway between a sigh and a groan.

I swirled a lazy circle around her clit with the tip of my tongue. Her hips started bucking harder. Her hands went back to my shoulders and just held on. I circled her clit a few more times, and then I started sucking it. I got my lips as wet as I could get them, and sucked her clit and the hood around it--it was hard to tell exactly what was what, by feel alone--in and out of my lips, very, very gently.

She started whispering my name. Once every few breaths, so softly I could just make it out. She was breathing a lot harder now. Definitely getting close. Her hands gripped my shoulders tighter. Then the little tent collapsed around me--she'd dropped her knees flat to the bed, her legs straight and tense and shaking. I started flicking my tongue across her clit each time I sucked it into my mouth.

Then I heard her breath catch hard in her throat and she said my name one more time, louder, and whatever she said next, I missed it, because one of her hands left my shoulder, and I felt her upper body twist a little, and then she was screaming with her other pillow pressed to her face as she came. I felt her stomach muscles spasm really hard, and felt the soft contractions of her vagina against my chin. I kept sucking her clit as she thrashed, and suddenly the feel of her pussy against my face was a lot more slippery, juicy. I heard one last muffled scream as her entire upper body came up off the bed, her legs rising to balance it out, and then all the tension went out of her, and her other hand let go of my shoulder and weakly pushed my head away from her pussy. By which time her whole body was a limp noodle and she was laughing softly and catching her breath.

I let go of her ass cheeks. I lowered my mouth to her pussy again, staying south of her way-too-sensitive clit, and dipped my tongue deep into her folds. I lapped up a few tongue-fuls of her juices and swallowed. I swear Kool-Aid could name a flavor after her.

Then I planted a soft, very wet kiss on her shaved mound and crawled back up beside her. My head slid out from under the covers into the cool air of the bedroom. Seana was lying there, eyes closed, still getting her wind back. I don't think I've ever seen a more blissful smile.

"Spent," she whispered. Then she opened her eyes, saw my completely-mussed-up hair and giggled.

I moved to kiss her, then stopped and reached to wipe her juices from my lips first.

"No, no," she said. "Are you kidding?" And she pulled my face to hers and kissed me, tasting herself. The kiss was somehow tender and intense at the same time. Her lips gently sucking my upper lip and then my lower one, and then our tongues playing together, hot and slippery with her juices. We did that for half a minute and then she rolled over, easing me onto my back and then lying face-down against me, her head on my shoulder and her face tucked into my neck. I could feel her pussy on my thigh, still soaked. She snuggled against me and I held her. I kissed her forehead. I listened to her breathe, and felt her chest rising against mine, and the strands of her hair against my cheek.

Everything, every last tiny detail of the moment, was better than anything I'd ever felt before. I'd never been anywhere near this happy, or emotionally quenched. I held out another minute or so and then I lost it. I started crying like a little kid.

Seana looked up at me, startled. "Jesus, are you okay?"

I laughed a little, through the tears. "I'm so okay. More okay than I've ever been."

But I couldn't stop crying. I was a mess. She looked like she understood. She scooted up on the pillow until her head was higher than mine, then faced me and pulled me against her. As exhausted as she was, she was well aware that, at least this time, I was the one who needed to be snuggled. She held onto me and trailed little kisses across my hairline. She whispered that I was beautiful, and adorable, and that I was a world champion at eating girls.

I laughed again, and sniffled. "I've had lots of mental rehearsal."

I finally quit crying. My breath kept hitching for a while, that little post-crying hiccup you can't just will to go away. It passed on its own after a few minutes. Seana was still holding me, rocking me a little.

"All better?" she said.

"Mmm-hmm."

"Wanna be even better?" I could hear the smile in her voice.

"Definitely," I whispered.

She slid out from under me. I rolled onto my back again. She kissed me, slow and delicate, and then she disappeared beneath the comforter and the sheets, and I felt the soft tumble of her hair tracing down my neck and chest.

She took her time getting to her destination. She spent a couple minutes on each of my tits. She took my nipples between her lips and very gently rolled them between her teeth. I could already feel my face flushing hot. My pussy, too. Hot and getting wet again.

She kissed her way down my stomach. Lavished some attention on my belly button. Then she was past it, moving down, her tongue making little circles inside her kisses on my skin. She came to my mound and kissed it everywhere, slowly, softly. Then she lifted her mouth from me, and I could tell by how her hair moved that she'd slid further down.

The next thing I felt was her mouth, hovering above my pussy just close enough to graze it. She exhaled slowly, her breath steaming hot on my lips.

And a second later her mouth was pressed into me and her tongue was inside me, wet and luscious and lovely.

My words came out in a rush of breath, all by themselves. "Oh my God. Holy shit... Holy shit...

Lightheaded again, like when we'd first started kissing. A tumbling snowflake. I lost track of everything but the feeling of her mouth on my pussy. I rolled my head from side to side on the pillow. My hands were down at my waist, gripping fistfuls of the sheet.

The way her lips slipped around in my juices was so different than it'd ever felt with any of my boyfriends. It wasn't just the complete lack of stubble--though that was nice, too--it was simply how much wetter I was for her than I'd been for any of them. How wet she'd made me.

And none of them had eaten me like this. Not even close.

I wasn't going to last long. That was obvious enough, from the start. She probably could've made me come without even going near my clit.

But she did go near it.

When she sucked it between her lips, I thought I was going to pass out. I tilted my head back and cried out, and came about three times harder than I'd ever come in my life. It felt like being wrung. Like my body was a sponge Seana had spent the past couple hours saturating with the buildup to this orgasm, and in a matter of seconds she'd compressed every drop of it back out of me in this body-wracking gush of pleasure. It came in waves, matching the suction of her mouth on my clit. By the fifth body-contraction I was done. I collapsed and lay there tingling, numb. She stopped sucking on my clit at just the right moment, when she'd taken me to the limit of where I could go, and just before it would've started to hurt. I felt her lips and tongue moving lower down among my folds for a few seconds afterward, sucking at my juices, and then I was just gone. I was unconscious before she even crawled back up to snuggle me.

When I woke up, she was asleep next to me, an arm draped across my chest. I looked at her alarm clock. Just after four in the morning. There were two glasses on the nightstand. One was empty, but the other was full of some kind of dark juice. There were a few tiny ice cubes left in it. She'd set it out for me. I wanted to kiss her, but I didn't want to wake her up. I eased out from under her arm, sat up and took a drink. Cranberry-apple. Delicious. Especially since I was parched. I drank the rest of it in a few gulps and settled back in beside her. She rolled over and nestled her face against my neck, and I kissed her forehead, and we drifted off together.

In the morning I woke half an hour before her. I lay there holding her the whole time, as happy as I'd ever been. Finally she woke. We kissed, talked a little... kissed some more...

I told her I definitely wanted to do this again soon, if she did. She said she did. She also said she wasn't really looking to be exclusive with anyone at the moment, and would almost certainly be hooking up with other girls in the near future. To be honest, it was a little tough to hear, at least in that moment, with her lying naked in my arms, but I understood. She told me I should do the same thing: have fun with lots of other girls, find out what's out there. She said everybody's different. I couldn't imagine anything that was going to top her, but I did actually see her point. And it sounded pretty fun, even then. The thought of just having all options open, and the excitement of meeting up with new girls in other coffee shops, for nights that could be whatever we both wanted them to be.

"But..." she said, "our first night isn't really over yet, is it?"

I smiled. "I was hoping it wasn't."

We kissed again for a long time. We went down on each other again, each of us spending more time at it than last night. We did it with the covers pulled back, and as I ate her, sometimes I'd just stop for a few seconds and stare at her pussy from an inch away, head over heels in love with every little fold and glisten of it.

Now I'm home, two hours later, writing this. I'm in the most amazing mood. I feel like my entire reality has pivoted on some axis, and it's never, ever going to be what it used to be. I can't believe I waited this long. I can't believe I might have waited forever. The walk back from Seana's was surreal. The city looked different. The same buildings, and the same winter sky, but somehow just all different. It's like when you're a kid and you get glasses for the first time, and you realize what the world really looks like. How beautiful the simplest things can be.

I think I'm finally me.

.

Breaking Strain - CL Post

I've never done anything with another girl before. I've wanted to since at least puberty. It's amazing what you can put off.

I've had happy relationships with guys. One of them I envisioned going the distance. I could see us together down the whole corridor of years. I could see us with kids. Christmas mornings and hot cocoa and summers at a lake somewhere. I could see myself kissing skinned little knees and making them better. Yeah yeah, I know it's the 21st century and you don't actually need a guy for those things anymore, but it was easy enough to picture my life playing out with one anyway. I could have done that. And all these other things I wanted would've just stayed packed away in their little box, labeled with masking tape: wouldn't it be nice?

I came across a metaphor in some self-help book, years ago, about how elephants can be kept on leashes made of twine, which they could break with about a twentieth of their strength if they ever tried. The way it works is, when the elephant is very young, its handlers secure it with a heavy chain it can't break. The elephant gets used to that. Over time they downgrade the chain, even as the elephant grows. By the time it's an adult, and weighs three or four times as much as a Cadillac Escalade, they've got it tied up with a rope you couldn't use to tow a water-skier. It's not that the elephant doesn't want to break free. Of course it wants to. It just doesn't occur to the elephant that it can.

I probably read that three years ago. Why I didn't make the jump right then, I don't know. I really don't. I was here in the city, in school. I could've put an ad on craigslist and had my face buried between a girl's thighs that night.

Just didn't occur to me that I could. As badly as I wanted it.

Why am I making the jump now?

I don't really know that, either. I guess the twine just finally broke. I woke up this morning and stared at my ceiling for about five minutes, and realized I could picture all the fantasies as actual events. That it was all waiting to be real, as soon as I decided.

So I just did. Ahhh. Huge sigh, right? I put this ad on CL fifteen minutes ago:

looking to finally try it - 24 - Near North

24, white, 5-foot-1, skinny. Brown hair, big brown eyes. Very nervous but definitely sure I want to try it with a girl. Write back, tell me about yourself, will share a pic after we trade a few e-mails. Happy to voice verify.

So now I've got gmail open in the taskbar, and I'm staring at the word inbox, waiting for a little (1) to appear beside it, while I write this.

I am absolutely sure I've never been this anxious or excited about anything. My teeth are literally chattering--what the hell is that about? Wasn't expecting it. I put on a big sweater and cranked up the heat.

Will update when there's a reply.

UPDATE:

First reply came in twenty-five minutes after I put up the post. I bounced up and down in my chair a few times and then clicked on it.

It was written in halting English, and everything about it sent up flags. I've read all about spam replies. This had to be one. Shit...

Another reply came two minutes later.

Not spam. Definitely real. There was a picture with it, and the message seemed very authentic. But... ahh... I just didn't respond to her looks. I feel bad about that, but what am I supposed to do? I have to be comfortable with someone.

I didn't reply to her. I hope that's okay. Shit. That was probably five minutes ago now. Inbox clear. Watching for the (1) again. Will update.

UPDATE 2:

Two replies at the same time, just now. Another spam message, and another one that I'm sure is real. No pic, but her description more or less matches mine. She's 21, and describes herself as "very feminine." Well... that's what I've always fantasized about. I sent her a pic, and now I'm waiting for her to reply. I'll just keep this post open until she does.

...

Just got her reply, with her picture. Holy shit. holy shit, I'm really going to do this. I'm seriously, actually going to do this. It's going to happen.

So... fucking... cute. And it's not some insane, airbrushed, glamor shot that screams fake. Very real, very random picture of her smiling somewhere, other people cropped out. She looks a little like a girl from my high school, named Seana (SHAW-NA). I'll use that name instead of her real name, here.

She gave me her number. I'm going to call her right now.

UPDATE 3:

:) :) :) She lives five blocks away. We're meeting for coffee. Right now!!!

Gah!!!!!!! Really, really doing this!!!